You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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