I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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