I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
