I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
