I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I look better un-naked...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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