If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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