I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
