girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
