Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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