I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize