id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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