It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so explain again why im purple
no
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
