WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
