Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
