He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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