When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
