This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
