You just made me feel so damn special
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
