Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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