i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
