after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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