Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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