You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
