There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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