where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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