I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I touched a dick in church today
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
