hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize