just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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