My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
