oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Say something about gay babies.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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