So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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