So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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