Porn is love you can see.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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