If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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