since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
