So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
