we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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