Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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