I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
