remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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