I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
