He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love you. Go after that dick
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize