Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
