we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need moral support for this bender
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
