It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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