You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why can't burritos get me drunk
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
