I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
