HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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