I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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