I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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