remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
