....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
