I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize