Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
