I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
