i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
