um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
