Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
