you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
