woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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