so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
