My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Where did you get a picture of my penis
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
